Private Message to Hermione Granger

[alt_harry]

You were right about Mr Milland. About how he can be sort of... I don't know. Intense? Not nice? I mean, not like he has to be super friendly or anythig, but he wasn't.

He said he couldn't tell me anything, really, not unless I learned Occlumency. And when he showed me what it'd be like, if someone ever did try, he said it'd be not good if people found out about you and me. Being friends. And Hydra's said how she thinks I ought to too.

But.

I asked Raz about it earlier, and he seemed sort of weird about it -- like it would be really tricky if I did learn it, and he didn't tell me anything outright, but I could tell he was worried. And. I was thinking. Milland said that if I were really dead good at it, people wouldn't be able to tell if I was hiding anything, but if I wasn't good enough, they'd know. He would know. So if I can't do it well enough, He'd know I was hiding something from Him, and I think that'd be bad. Really bad. like Task 2 bad only worse. Because it's one thing to not do what He wants, but it's another to... I don't know. I think He'd see it like I was defying Him. Or challenging Him.

So I've got two choices.

I could try to learn, and hope that I'm really fast and good at it, and if I'm not, risk really messing thing up, or I could not try and hope no one ever tries to look in my head, and not do anything that would get you or Draco into trouble ever. Which is sort of impossible. Because I always screw everything up. Even when I try. especially when I try. Which is why I'm so worried about screwing up the Occlumency thing too.

I don't know.

What do you think?

Comments

[alt_hermione]

Well it would be worse if he were trying to learn about something and he found out about me.

I mean

For me.

[alt_harry]

Would it, though?

I mean, I'm not arguing, I just want to sort it out. Because right now, what He'd find out is that we're friends. And yes, you'd get into trouble.

But if he thinks I'm challenging him like that? I don't know. Seems like the stakes would be higher. Like rather than sending you to the camps he'd just up and kill you or something.

He wouldn't kill me. I don't think. Just in case. But I think it might be worse? Maybe?

[alt_hermione]

But then he'd look to me.

He's been trying to teach me Occlumency and I'm horrid at it Harry. It would be worse than anything if he got to me. I promise I promise I promise. You don't know.

[alt_harry]

Oh.

Right.

I mean, okay, yeah, I hadn't thought about it like that.

If you put it like that, I guess making Him angry is better. Because then he wouldn't have as much of a reason to look to you. If it worked.

But if you can't do it, what makes you think I'd be any good? You're loads smarter than I am.

[alt_hermione]

It isn't about being smart.

That's what Mr Snape says anyway.

[alt_harry]

Don't

I mean

I'd rather we just call him Milland? Just in case.

And if it doesn't take being smart, I'll be ace at it.

[alt_hermione]

Okay, Milland, and you're plenty smart Harry, honestly.

[alt_harry]

I'm smart enough to know how much stupider I am than you.

[alt_harry]

And another thing I remembered about what we talked over is whether Raz decides he wants to teach me after all.

Because then he'd see Milland, wouldn't he? And you. I mean, he probably already knows a bit about you, but he'd know for sure. And I know he wants what's best for me, but that might not be what's best for you.

So I guess I'd just sort of have to pretend I didn't want to do it any more? If Raz ever brought it up again, I mean.

[alt_hermione]

I don't know. Is he an Occlumens or a Legilimens too?

[alt_harry]

I don't know. I just know Hydra told me to talk to him about learning it. And he didn't tell me he couldn't.